Excerpt from my future book.
“Hi! My name is Irina and I am a hopeless romantic”, I said while bringing my hands together in an attempt to collect all my thoughts.
“Hi, Irina!” said the group at my imaginary HRA meeting, also known as Hopeless Romantics Anonymous meeting.
“I have come here today to tell you my story of dealing with lovesickness.
I found a definition on the internet that describes the term ‘lovesick’ perfectly, in my opinion: “Lovesick is like homesick. Homesick people are away from home but want to be home. Lovesick people are away from love and want to be in love.”
I have always been fascinated by the idea of finding a soul mate, finding true love. I do believe that at fault are all the romantic movies and novels I kept watching and reading over and over again.
But does one really know what love is at the age of 14 when all of these expectations start to build up, one by one like a well-constructed wall guarding against heart-break? Or should I better say preparing for heartbreak?
Let’s reminisce about the glorious and carefree high-school days. My best friends are the witnesses to all my failed attempts to finding love in our high school, pubs and clubs.
They have been there when I was complaining about how hard it is to find a boy for my taste.
And they were there after all the disappointing dates and text messages which would turn into booty calls after just a few days of talking, which blew any hope I had left in finding somebody decent.
When you are young, and I speak from experience, and in high school, you are surrounded by the ideological myth of a fairytale romance.
You have this following scenario in your head, correct me if I am wrong, that you will see a boy/girl in the distance. You will lock eyes, preferably he/she will make the first step, and you’ll start talking. You have all of these things in common and he/she asks you out on a date. The date takes place, he/she makes you smile from one ear to the other, has a great sense of humour and is also polite. The date ends, you hold hands and he/she takes you home. You exchange a shy kiss under the moonlight, you say goodbye and go in the house and you stay there, against the door, and continue smiling. Days and months go by and you fall deeply in love. And you lived happily ever after.
It doesn’t happen like that, not in all cases, maybe in most cases actually.
When you see happy couples around you, taking care of each other, you start to ask yourself questions. What are you doing wrong that you don’t have a relationship? And here come more questions. Am I not worthy of being loved? Am I not good enough per se to find someone to love and who will love me back? Or is it that I am not attractive enough…could that be it?
One can’t help but burn these questions in the subconscious. They tend to resurface when you are bumping into a cold rejection from that crush you have on your next door neighbour, or when your ideals are shattered to pieces.
I admit I did ask myself these types of questions on some occasions when I was on my scavenger hunt for a perfectly groomed for life young man.
But that was the main problem.
Let me tell you why I didn’t engage in a relationship all my adolescence.
I believe that some people need to get through bad and negligent relationships in order to learn from mistakes and become a better partner for a future romantic entanglement. But that was not me. Maybe they commit to these types of relationships, where you constantly feel insecure about your partner’s intentions and emotions that you start driving both of you insane. Maybe the reason behind bad relationships is not loving the other too much, but being scared of ending up alone. Does that do any good to any of you? I didn’t think so either. I didn’t want to be in a relationship just because I was lonely.
I did have flings, don’t get me wrong, but I had never had a proper relationship to the standard of today’s society.
Why was I searching in the first place? Spending my time obsessing over finding love and being disappointed when realising the candidate for my heart was not what I was looking for? It took me a long time, and it happened to be before I turned 18 and maybe I had matured a bit by that time, to understand that love will come to you.
Why fight so hard to find someone to love, when you have yourself to love in the first place? I always say that you should put your happiness first. So why look for someone to make you happy when happiness stands only in your power?
I stopped looking for love and I learnt how to love myself and take care of my own happiness for a change.
One chilly spring night changed my life and touched my soul forever, the universe worked its magic and by serendipity, I met my person who managed to cure my lovesickness, and without a doubt, I knew he is the one.
…next in Lovestruck 101